Some Real Reasons He Broke Up with You

One minute you’re happy and in love, the next he’s delivering the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech. Why? We have the scoop on the real reasons most couples split up.

You Want Different Things
Initially you two were just hooking up but then you developed crushes and moved into a serious relationship. One of you may want things to progress further while the other is still just into late Friday night booty calls. The guy may want to be married in a year while you’re happy having fun. Or he may still be getting over his ex while you want to move in to his place. Whatever the circumstance, it’s not that the chemistry isn’t right, it’s just that you want different things out of the relationship.
You’re At Different Points in Life
Often women think dating an older man is a good thing. It can also be a recipe for disaster. The older guy may be already settled down while the woman in her mid-twenties might still be figuring out who she is, what she wants to do for a living, where she wants to live long-term, and more. An age difference may be one reason you’re at different points not just in life but in your relationship–sometimes older men may have already experienced the things you haven’t yet done and they may not want to do it again, like kids, getting married, or moving for a job. If you’re just at different points and your paths don’t appear to connect, you will eventually split.

One Person Is Moving Too Fast
I’ve been in situations where I was in love with a woman but she moved way too fast and it scared me. Like, slowly move into my apartment without asking me after two months of dating. If we had better communication and talked things through we could have determined the right time for both of us to take that next step. But we didn’t, so we broke up. I know I’m not alone here–in any relationship there is always going to be one person who wants to move forward more rapidly than the other. If that speed is radically different for one person, the other may get scared and call it quits.

Lack of Trust
There are a variety of reasons lack of trust in a relationship may develop. One person may do something to break that trust, like tell a whopper of a lie or cheat. Or one person may just carry some trauma from past relationships where that sort of thing happened. In either case it can be a bit like dating a wounded deer, where you want to get close and be comforting but the dynamic is too tenuous and you can’t really relax with the other person. Once a trust is broken or never fully develops, it’s hard to repair. Some people don’t want to put in the work that is required to repair trust, so they leave.

An Acutal Issue
Sometimes, when you honestly reflect back on what was going on pre-break-up, it can be pretty clear what happened. You two were fighting a lot, either about one big recurring issue or several smaller issues. It got heated at times. You both said things that were incredibly hurtful (and that you did sorta mean). Hopefully things didn’t get to the point of being verbally or physically abusive, but if they did then it’s a good thing you’re not together anymore.

The Emotional Affair
No one physically cheated, but one of you had an emotional affair. That’s when one or both of you started flirting with someone else, bonding with them over long coffees at work or while running together at the gym, and eventually they became one of, if not the, primary relationship in your life. Even if he was still spending a lot of time with you and the sex was still fantastic, if his mind is constantly on another woman, that does not bode well for the two of you. Don’t be surprised if he suddenly has a new relationship not too long after the break-up. This is a clear sign he had been emotionally cheating.

Your Values Don’t Align
Shortly after I finished working on the Obama campaign I met a lovely lady and she turned out to be a Republican. As die-hard liberal as I may be, she was just as far right-leaning. We knew not to talk politics because we would end up in a fight. We made it six months before the simple fact that we have drastically different values became too hard to ignore. Yes, there were other issues in the mix, but in my heart I always knew I couldn’t settle down with her long-term because we didn’t see eye-to-eye on a variety of issues. Which leads to the big one:

You’re Not the One
If you’re reading this and you’re currently heart-broken I empathize. I’ve been on both sides of this talk, either not being “the one” for someone else or having to tell someone that I didn’t see myself marrying them and settling down. Frankly, if you’re in a long-term committed relationship and someone sits you down and says they realize they “should” want to be with you forever because you’re so great, but that in their gut they know that’s not true for them, count it as a blessing. It’s better to hear that earlier rather than later. Even if nothing is wrong in the relationship, that’s an indicator that there is nothing so right that he would want to be with you forever. And someone else will, I promise.

Shuold Know Why Men Break Up With You Around the Holidays

According to NBC, data researchers discovered there are two times of the year when break-ups most frequently occur: March and right around the holidays. This period of uncoupling has even garnered a holiday-themed name: the turkey drop. It’s when you’re in a relationship, happily going about your Christmas shopping, and then right before you sit down for Thanksgiving dinner your boyfriend says, “We need to talk.” So why do men typically break up with women around the holidays?

He’s Been Putting it Off

Things have been slowly going sour for a while now, and he’s been meaning to end the relationship. There just hasn’t been the right time (or so he thinks). But holidays have a way of magnifying what’s already on the mind, so all of the little reasons that came up about why he might end it suddenly seem quite big. Thus, there’s no time like the present (even though it’s a horrible present to give).

He Doesn’t Want You to Meet His ParentsYou start talking about the holidays and whether you should go to your respective homes, his, or yours. He may not have ever thought about you meeting his folks before but now it’s not an “if” sort of question, it’s a “when.” Even if you go your respective ways this holiday, he knows the next time his mom comes to town to visit he won’t be able to avoid you two meeting.

Meeting one another’s parents makes a relationship very real. It’s one thing to date someone for a few months, but once they’ve met your dad you’re in for a lifetime of “How’s that girl I met that holiday all those years ago?” Instead of risking a break-up post-family get-together he makes the judgment call that you won’t stand the sands of time and it would be better for you not to meet his parents at all.

He Doesn’t Want You to Meet his FriendsOne of the funnest parts of the holiday season is all the parties. Parties your friends throw, the office holiday party where his boss gets drunk and sings karaoke, and on and on. If you two have been dating a few months it would be weird for him to go to a bunch of parties and not invite you. One or two he might get away with, but a whole season of parties? No way can he pull that off.

In the same vein of him not wanting you to meet his parents, he may chose to end things around the holiday season so he doesn’t have to bring you to all the parties where you would be introduced to his friends and co-workers. That way, Sam from Accounting isn’t asking about you six months from now and he won’t have to have the awkward “I broke up with the woman I brought to the holiday party” talk.

He Doesn’t Want To Get You a GiftThis is a pretty selfish reason, in the midst of a selfish list: he doesn’t want to spend the money or sentiment on getting you a holiday present. A good guy, a guy who really wants to be with his girlfriend, starts thinking about a holiday gift at least a month in advance. The guy who is already contemplating a break-up may have realized that he will need to spend some money and that could deter him from putting off the inevitable.

More likely he doesn’t want to muster the energy on a sentiment that isn’t real. A thoughtful gift implies that you’re always on his mind and he cares deeply for you. If that’s not the case for him it will be highlighted during gift-giving season.

He Wants A New Year with a New Girl

The final holiday during this season is one of my personal favorites: New Year’s Eve. But he may not want to ring in the new year with someone he doesn’t want to date that year. Don’t be surprised if he takes the changing of the calendar as a chance to start fresh by changing his relationship status.

None of these reasons are particularly good ones, and I’m not defending the guy who dumps a woman a week before Thanksgiving. At the same time, I can understand if someone wants to avoid all the introductions to a woman he’s not serious about, in order to escape Uncle Jack coming over for Chanukah, balking and saying, “But you guys seemed so happy during Thanksgiving!” In fact, there’s an argument to be made that it might be better to rip the bandaid off now so you two each have solo recovery time you can spend in the company of family and friends. The better question here may not be “Why does he do it around the holidays?” but “Just how long has he been thinking about breaking up with you?”

Know More How You Should Break Up with Him

This morning, I woke up mad at my girlfriend. I did something many people tend to do: mistake a bad dream I was having for reality. In this case, I dreamt my girlfriend and I were on a trip to Italy and she turned to me upon arrival and abruptly said, “You know what? I fell out of love with you. We’re over.” When I woke up, I turned to her and said, “That is no way to end things with someone.” What exactly is a good way? Here are a few tips on how to manage a breakup.

Do It at His Place

The location of a breakup is key. Assuming you’ve been dating for more than six weeks, an in-person breakup is kinder and (dare I say?) necessary. The gent deserves the chance to look you in the eye and see that you aren’t being casual about ending things.

Now, he may have fallen for you. So you can’t assume he will handle the breakup without an argument, a scene, or even tears. Don’t make him cry at a restaurant. You wouldn’t like that, so don’t do that to him. Leave the public locations alone. You could have him over to your place, but that has a feeling equivalent to being called into the boss’s office to be fired.

The rule of thumb for breaking up is: If you’re the one doing the ending, you should do it at the other person’s place so you can leave immediately after. Then the other party can stay at home and wallow in private or immediately go out and do whatever it is they habitually do when hurt.

Timing Is Everything

Don’t do it right after a family member of his dies. Don’t do it after he gets fired. Don’t do it right after he tells you he loves you for the first time. There is a lengthy list of “don’ts,” so maybe the easiest thing is for me to just give you the best time to do it: early evening (so that if he wants to get a drink after, it’s socially acceptable and his friends will be out), while sober (no drunk arguments please), and in between relationship milestones/major life crises. In other words, you’re not pouring salt on any existing wounds he’s struggling with, he’s in a clear state of mind, and it’s not a stressful or busy time of day.

Don’t EVER Say “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Don’t pull that old “It’s not you, it’s me” garbage. If there’s a specific reason you’re breaking up, state it clearly and don’t waver. Saying you can’t trust him because he cheated or has been seeing someone else are all very understandable reasons to break up. State your reason and be done with it.

If the reason you’re breaking up is more vague, here’s a message that is clear enough and has been very well-received by guys: “I hate to say this, but I need to do my own thing right now. It’s just not the right time for me to commit to a relationship.” This is not “you’re not right for me” or “I can’t be with you because I’m a mess.” It’s a timing issue and you not wanting to be in a relationship. A guy gets that.

Here’s another, more verbose good one, especially if you’re dating someone else instead: “Since we both feel it’s important to be honest, I want to let you know I met someone last month before we started seeing each other regularly. I think you’re wonderful and special, but timing just wasn’t on our side. Your only flaw is that I met him first.” I have a friend who uses a variation of this line and has gotten the best possible responses from men. It’s saying you value him as a person and his qualities but that the timing wasn’t meant to be.

You can’t take responsibility for another person’s reactions when you break up, but you can try to let him down as gently as possible. Good luck!